ABC; Sara Schaefer
Emmy award-winning comedian Sara Schaefer, host of MTV's late show Nikki & Sara Live, will be blogging The Bachelorette for Hollywood.com all season long.
If you're like me, you've been watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette since the beginning. You can't tear yourself away season after season because, like they tell us in school, it only takes one
time to become addicted to cocaine. In this scenario, of course,
cocaine is the word "journey," and according to last night's premiere of
The Bachelorette, this season is gonna be some gooooood s**t.
Sean's fourth-place girlfriend Desiree Hartsock is going to be handing
out roses this year and there are so many things to discuss I have
decided to organize them in list form. (I wanted to do a PowerPoint but
my editor tells me that won't work.)
10 Things I'm Looking Forward To On This Season of The Bachelorette
1. Man Tears
According to the previews, in addition to some sexy,
sexy fist fights, these guys are gonna cry some sweet, sweet man tears!
And if they don't produce full-on tears, they will put their heads down
and rub their eyes and forehead to show how emotional this is. The heart? It shall be wrenched.
2. Remembering Jonathan's Love Tank
His time at the Bachelor mansion was short-lived, but
Jonathan will stay vivid in my memories this season. This guy gets out
of the limo and immediately asks Desiree to go to the fantasy suite.
What fantasy suite? Aren't those usually located on a resort in the
tropics? Anyway, she declines, but Jonathan won't be deterred. He
repeatedly tries to get Desiree to go into this makeshift f**k room he's
set up. And he keeps talking about how his "love tank has not been
depleted for years" and that his mom thinks he's attractive. Hahahaha —
that's normal! He doesn't want to wear Desiree's skin as a bathrobe, at all. Hahahahaha...
Finally, Desiree makes him leave before even going to
the rose ceremony — but that doesn't mean Jonathan will soon be
forgotten. I'm sure we'll hear from him soon... when he gets arrested
for "depleting his love tank" on an unsuspecting woman at the mall.
ABC/Kevin Foley
3. Hashtag Douchebag
Kasey is a self-proclaimed "social media expert." But
how can we be sure? Because he's constantly using the word "hashtag,"
naturally and organically during conversation! Examples from last night:
"Hashtag I want a rose!" "Hashtag fantasy suite fail!"
Cool catchphrase, bro. Hashtag not. Hashtag good luck
with that. Hashtag pack your bags. Hashtag okay, now I'm doing it.
Hashtag sorry. Hashtag let's move on.
4. Finding Out What a "Drilling Fluid Engineer" Does, Other Than Go Topless
Zack, or as I like to call him, "the rich man's
Situation," arrives topless to the mansion. He's got abs and Desiree is
impressed when he strips down to his briefs and jumps in the pool.
Meanwhile, I am just really curious as to what a "drilling fluid
engineer" does. Sounds highly sexual. I mean complicated. What? Hi.
5. The Part When Desiree Realizes Ben Is a Weirdo for Using His Cute Son to Impress Her
Um, how AMAZING would it have been if right after that
tiny kid got out of the limo, Chris Hansen stepped in and revealed that
we were just watching a really elaborate episode of Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator"? No? OK. Well, regardless, even though Desiree seemed to love that Ben brought his son, I found it highly
suspicious. I imagine Ben whispering into his son's ear before they got
out, "Do NOT f**k this up for Daddy, you hear me?" And what was that
explanation about the kid's mother — that they were just friends who had
a baby? Hmmmm. That sounds like BS. And according to the preview, Ben
seems to cause a lot of trouble in the house so let's just SEE.
6. Desiree's Emotional Journey
We know that Desiree is open to finding love. How do we
know this? Because of a seven-outfit montage of her roller-skating,
walking under a pier, sitting on the beach, and holding onto a railing
while staring into the distance. We now know she's ready to share her
life with someone. And it won't be easy. It will involve a lot
of tears. And in the preview, we see that some MAJOR S**T is going to go
down — there's one shot of her curled up in a ball crying, saying,
"This is the worst possible scenario." Worst possible scenario? OMG JUAN
PABLO GOT HER PREGNANT! Oh wait, no, oops, sorry — I forgot this is The Bachelorette,
and the "worst possible scenario" usually involves one of the guys
admitting he has a girlfriend back home or that he's only in it for the
fame. THE TERROR!!! But according to all the french kissing they show, I
am guessing she gets back on her feet in no time. I just can't wait for
her brother to beat the piss out of whoever makes it to the end!
ABC/Rick Rowell
7. Finding Out Whose Girlfriend Shows Up
Awwwwww yeah! A girlfriend from the outside world shows up this season!!! HELL YES. That's some primo Bachelorette drama right there. I'd like to thank the producers in advance for their crack team of investigators for uncovering this one.
8. The Triumphant Return of Diogo
Diogo was ROBBED!!!! He showed up in a SUIT OF ARMOR
for chrissake. Do you know how heavy that is? He put it all on the line
for you, Desiree, and you just threw it all away. I really hope
they find a way to bring Diogo back. If not, I'm thinking he's the next
Bachelor??!!!? No? Oh well. Poor Diogo. We will remember you for the
next few hours.
9. Finding Out Who Did That Bizarre Dance
Can someone please tell me — who was the guy we saw
doing that insanely weird dance (it looked like a combo of Elvis and an
'80s new wave move)? I couldn't see his face and I must know his
identity in order to continue on this season. And I need a GIF of that
STAT.
10. The Candlescaping
I have to say, whoever is doing this year's
candlescaping on the show is doing a top notch job. Never before have I
seen such beautiful arrangements of candles in and throughout the Bachelor
compound. The mood has been set perfectly for the men to become
vulnerable, open themselves to love, find out who is here for the right
reasons, declare they're not here to make friends, borrow Desiree for a
moment, and ultimately, fall in love and spend the rest of their lives
with this woman. THE MOOD HAS BEEN SET!
Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness. Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser.
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